I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
