3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
