my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
