That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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