can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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