naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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