Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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