i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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