He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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