I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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