I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
