i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
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Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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