She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
