i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
