Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
