I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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