I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Bang-toberfest begins!!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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