Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
