$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
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There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
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It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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