feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
