I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
