thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He literally asked permission to hit on me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
