My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
