Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
