his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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