he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
