i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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