remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
