remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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