I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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