My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
