dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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