I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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