why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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