Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
