i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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