Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Two words: blizzard sex
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
