I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
