ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.