He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
