If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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