I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
