shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
