it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
