Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
