Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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