I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
