It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
