I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
