I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
