He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
