You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
